COMEDY SKETCHes
Fore fathers and time travel
Fun Facts:
I joined a team of comedy writers who I’d never met before. We met in the morning and wrote all day long, periodically coming back to evaluate each other’s sketches. This was all done in one day. The actors were then cast and memorized the lines for a midnight live showing at The People's Improv Theater
FIRST BREAK-UP AFTERMATH
A comedy script that was written and performed at People’s Improv Theater.
A Millennial Heartbreak
A broken heart is painful. It's been a while since I've felt that feeling, but yesterday... it happened again. And it was a special kind of heartbreak -- one in which I needed to take time to clean up the mess.
There are a few things that cause this special kind of heartbreak -- neediness, impatience, obliviousness, carelessness, and simply not screwing well enough. The last, one, of course, is the most embarrassing on the list. But screwing hard and well really is the crucial key to keeping the bond between the lid and the jar together, so to speak.
And in hindsight, I wish I had known that before blindly dropping and spilling the ENTIRE jar of Trader Joe's® Kosher Dill Pickles all over my kitchen floor.
Jewish grandma conversations: Jewish Grandma Part 1
Grandma: "Hi Stacy. Can you talk?"
Me: "Sort of. I'm at home, sick."
Grandma: "Well, I bought you a gift..."
Me: "Okay..."
Grandma: "I hope you like it. And if you don't, I'm going to hang up very quickly..."
Me: "Uhh... all right?"
Grandma: "It's an early birthday gift."
Me: "Kay..."
Grandma: "Wanna know what it is?"
Me: "Well, now I'm not so sure--"
Grandma: "I bought you a subscription to J-Date."
*long pause*
Grandma: "Hello?"
Me: "Oh no. But why?"
Grandma: "To make you happy! ...And also because I want you to find a nice Jewish boy."
Me: "Do you know how time consuming and soul-sucking that sounds? I am perfectly content not sharing myself with anyone right now."
Grandma: "You sound depressed... which is why you should be happy!"
Me: "I'm fine. I'm just sick."
Grandma: "When you're at home sick is the perfect time to use it!"
Me: "That's probably because it's a website made for people who don't go outside."
Grandma: "Use it."
*Grandma hangs up*
Jewish grandma conversations: Jewish Grandma Part 2
The phone rings
Grandma:
Hello? What's wrong with you? Did I wake you up?
Me:
Yes.
Grandma:
I need to tell you, I was at a Hanukkah party last night and I saw a young boy helping his mother into the room because she couldn't walk well.
Me:
That's nice... where are you going with thi–
Grandma:
I spoke to him for a very long time. His name is Michael and he's Jewish and he's six feet tall. And he has a nice face and a job. And he is looking for a girlfriend. He lives in New York City, I gave him your address.
Me:
You gave a random man my address???? Why???
Grandma:
Because I think he would be great for you. He's tall. I took a picture of him when he wasn't looking and sent it to your mother. She thinks he looks like your brother.
Me:
Eww that sounds really weird.
Grandma:
I also gave him your phone number. So I just wanted to warn you when he calls. Or maybe he won't call. But I'm hoping he does.
Me:
Ok. Well, I don't know why you keep doing this to me. It's stressing me out. But I'm gonna go back to sleep now.
Grandma:
Okay. Sorry for waking you up. Bye.
Two minutes later, she calls back
Grandma:
Hello?
Me:
Hi...
Grandma:
I forgot to tell you he's the exact same age as you and I showed him your picture and he thinks you're cute.
Me:
Uh... good for him?
Grandma:
Okay, I'll let you go now. Sorry for waking you up again. Bye.
A Letter to My Boyfriend
Dear Chinese food delivery man,
When I’m sick, I order so much wonton soup that you basically turn into my temporary boyfriend.
You probably just think you’re “doing your job” by delivering food to me so frequently — well you know what? Grow up. We’re at the point in our relationship (24 hours) where you need to start bringing me flowers and building my furniture.
I know we are going to break up in a day or two when I stop sneezing and I feel better, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to have to dig for reasons to convince my friends that you are a quality man. They already don’t approve of my taste in wontons OR mates.
“You deserve better” they always say. “You’re a beautiful person and those gross, cheap, doughy pieces of shit don’t deserve you.” But they really need to stop trash-talking my wontons.
Love your queen on the top floor,
Stacy <3
If Dieting Were Presented Like a Three-Course Meal at a Fancy Restaurant:
Good evening everyone, my name is Francesco and I'll be taking care of you. Is this your first time dining with us at La Bland? No worries, you're going to love it. For our first course we have a Granny Smith apple served with three glasses of water and two and a half baby carrots. Don't get too excited, before you can fill yourself up on that we have our main course (hold onto your spines) – two dry turkey meatballs topped with five pieces of lettuce. And for dessert ... hold the phone and whip out your inhalers because you will be indulging in BAM: peanut butter a la ricecake. MMM. The kitchen closes at 8 PM, and by bedtime your stomachs will be singing the song of its people. Enjoyyy and bon appétit!
The Girls part 1: IKEA Thoughts
Girl 1:
There's supposedly a ferry that was built specifically to go to the IKEA in Brooklyn.
Girl 2:
Well that boat must have been a pain to put together...
Girl 1:
Yeah, it probably took at LEAST twelve boyfriends.
The Girls PART 2: Philosophical Conversations
Girl 1:
You know how in the 90s it was cool to be skinny, like heroin skinny? And in the 2000s it was cool to have big boobs, and now it's cool to have a big butt?
Girl 2:
Yeah.
Girl 1:
What do you think will be cool ten years from now?
Girl 2:
Hopefully big stomachs.
The Girls PART 3: Relaxing
Girl 1:
It's tea time again. I just really love tea!
Girl 2:
Is that your fifth cup? If you keep drinking tea you're going to start putting 'U's in places where they don't belo–
Girl 1:
BOLLOCKS!
App aims to reduce social anxiety disorders
Click HERE to view this April Fool’s video featured on MedPage Today.
